Resolution

This has been the 32^nd year of my single hood, although I must qualify, of that am sure for first 26 years I was not aware of it and it never bothered me. I am not sure what happened in next six years, if I have matured as a human being, or if the wiring in my brain has change or the heteronormative society yet again has imposed a rule silently on my ever rebellious homosexual mind. Whatever be it, for last couple of years I have suffered loneliness as never before. I have been in and out of tremendously hurtful relationships, one after another, sometimes so closely spaced that I did not even get time to contemplate or mourn the last dead one. The idea of being lonely when I am old (read 32) haunts me, I get literally crazy at times and immerses myself in deep depression. This pang is so deep and so notorious that even now when I am writing this, whatever this is, the loneliness is watching me from a corner, may be laughing or may be with a sympathetic eye. I have tried everything, as everyone will prescribe in such a situation, stop looking and you will find it, friends with benefits, one night stands, you name it I have it. I personally do not believe in the first remedy though. In my life, I had to work consciously and furiously for getting whatever I stand for. So the inactiveness of not looking for anyone and one day suddenly the prince charming sweeping me off my feet does not convince me. A lot of sex with strangers has made me an expert Kamasutra writer but I have lost interest in sex it seems. So I am, at 32+ standing at a place where I am clueless about how to plan my life. I am not even sure if I am capable of a monogamous relationship although I have been in such situations before and enjoyed it completely. There is something peculiar about me, I need constant challenge and excitement. One of my exs told me when we were breaking up that I am so used to with instability due to my upbringing that I cannot survive without that. May be he was right, maybe not. Based on the circumstance when he made this judgment am not sure how unbiased it was.  I see gay men, few in number but still substantial, falling in love, getting engaged and at least in one case getting married. And I question what is wrong with me? Is it that am not attractive enough? Or am too obnoxious a personality? A lot of people tell me that I have not met the “actual match” of my life and hence all of these unrest, but I do not buy that. At 32, life and love is not a Hollywood drama to me anymore. It is a reality on which I have to work and work real hard. But still I constantly keep questioning the very institution of “relationship” and the ownership that it brings with it. Sometimes I feel all my intellectualism is to support my perverted mind which seeks more and better constantly and have never learned to be happy with what he has. Or perhaps am one of those people who will truly bring a change in the way we look at the society and live our lives. When we are at the door step of a new year, whatever that means, my resolution would be let me be sure on this new year where I stand, a pervert or a change maker.